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Thanks to all the participants of our WomenFreebies Funny Jokes “Reply & Win” contest in our newsletter two weeks ago. Here are the Top 50 GREAT Funny Jokes submitted by our readers. They had me ROTFL Rolling On The Floor Laughing 😀

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Read on-wards to put a smile on your face and get a laugh.

Enjoy! 😀

Top Funny Jokes

  1. Q: How do you know if you’re a red neck?
    A: You go to the family reunion to find a date!
    arleen B.

  2. Q: Where did the vegetables go for drinks?
    A: The Salad Bar!
    Fran E.

  3. Q: What do you get when you look in a dirty mirror?
    A: A dirty look!
    Janelle C.

  4. In math class the teacher had noticed that, as usual, Little Johnny wasn’t paying attention. She asked him “Johnny, what are 2, 4, 8 and 16?”
    Quick as a flash he replied “CBS, CNN, Movies and the Cartoon Network.”
    Cindy N.

  5. When a woman says “What?” It doesn’t mean she didn’t hear what you said. She is giving you a chance to change your answer.
    Angela S.

  6. Q: What do you call a dinosaur with a big butt?
    A: A mega-sore-ass
    Ashley M.

  7. Q: What kind of cheese isn’t yours?
    A: Nacho cheese!
    Alison R.

  8. Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
    A: Ground Beef
    Johana B.

  9. Q: What did the picture say to the wall?
    A: First they frame me, then they hang me!
    Elizabeth C.

  10. The modern day orchestra is not for children! It’s too full of sax and violins!
    Rhonda S.

  11. Two nuns are repainting their rooms on a scorching hot day. They decide to strip down naked knowing no one would just walk in. They are startled by a loud knock on the door and one of the nuns asks who is there. A small voice from the other side of the door replies, “It’s the blind guy”. Since he was blind they decided it was ok to let him in. As soon as he enters he asks… “Where would you ladies like these blinds??”
    Anne B.

  12. A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient’s room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
    Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
    The doctor asked Patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, “Can’t you see I’m sawing this piece of wood in half?” The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, “Oh. He’s my friend, but he’s a little crazy. He thinks he’s a light bulb.” The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2’s face is going all red.
    The doctor asks Patient #1, “If he’s your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself.”
    Patient #1 replies, “What? And work in the dark?”
    Tina C.

  13. Man says to God: “Why did you make women so beautiful?”
    God answers: “So that you would want to be with them forever.”
    Man then asks: “Why did you make them so stupid?”
    God answers: “So that THEY would want to be with YOU!”
    Terri T.

  14. First Kid : Spell the word ‘blind’ as in a blind man.
    Second Kid: b-l-n-d
    First Kid: You missed out the ‘i’
    Second Kid: If you give him the ‘i’ he will be able to see.
    Christine R.

  15. A funeral Service is being held for a woman who just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidently bump into the wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out “Watch the wall!!!”
    Cathy L.

  16. Q: How do you keep a person in suspense?
    A: … I’ll tell you later.
    Chelsea D.

  17. Marriage is like a deck of cards, In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
    By the end you’ll wish you had a club and a spade.
    Nicole T.

  18. A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”
    While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late… but please don’t shove me either!”
    Sheila B.

  19. Q: Why did the husband cross the road?
    A: Who cares, at least he got off the couch!
    Karen W.

  20. Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”
    jaylene M.

  21. Dying Husband asks his wife: “Our 7th child always looked different from the other 6, did he have a different father?”
    Wife(crying) : “Yes…”
    Husband : “Who?”
    Wife: “You!”
    Alyssa C.

  22. Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, and then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
    Malyssa R.

  23. A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
    The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
    The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
    The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You cannot have any cyanide!”
    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
    Catherine L.

  24. I tried to enter a contest for a trip to Australia.
    Unfortunately I didn’t koalify.
    Sharla L.

  25. We brought our daughter to the doctor for her first check up and he told us “She is one cute baby!” I responded with “You probably tell that to all new parents.” He said “Oh no, only the really beautiful ones.” “What do you say to the not-so-beautiful babies’ parents?” I asked.
    “They look just like you!”
    Davis J.

  26. Behind every successful man there is a very surprised woman.
    Lisa M.

  27. Why did the mushroom get invited to all the parties?
    …Because he was a Fungi.
    Holly W.

  28. Q: What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
    A: Where’s pop-corn?
    Laura F.

  29. Q: Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
    A: Because if they all went, it would be Hell!
    Dani D.

  30. Husband says to wife “Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?”
    Wife replies “If you won the lottery I would take half and dump your ass!”
    Husband replies “Great! Last night I won $18 on the lottery. Here is your $9. See ya!”
    Brenda K.

  31. Did you hear about the snail that got beat up by two turtles?
    At the police station they asked him, “Did you get a good look at the turtles that did this? He said, “No, it all happened so fast.”
    Lisa G.

  32. A couple in Germany walk into a clock repair shop with their grandfather clock. The owner asks in a thick German accent “Vat seems to be zee problem?” The couple replies, “We’re not sure, all the clock keeps doing is tick, tick, tick”. The owner says “I see.” and walks up to the grandfather clock, stares right at the face and says “Ve haf ways of making you tock!!”
    Kim L.

  33. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
    Pam C.

  34. Did you hear about the snowman caught in the produce department picking his nose?

  35. A man from Montreal was visiting Edmonton. He calls the front desk and asks for some pepper. “Black pepper or white pepper?” asks the Concierge. “Toilette pepper!!”

  36. An English professor wrote the words: “A woman without her man is nothing” on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
    All the males in the class wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.”
    All the females wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing”
    Punctuation is powerful!
    Esther B.

  37. A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?” “No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied. “Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked. “Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!” “Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.” The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?” The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf.”
    Anna E.

  38. Little Tommy was filling up a hole with dirt in his backyard. Interested, the neighbour Mr. Jenkins looked over and asked him what he was doing. “Buryin’ my dead goldfish… “said Tommy. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that Tommy. The hole sure looks far too big for just a goldfish!” said Mr. Jenkins. “Yeah,” said Tommy “Thats cuz’ he’s inside your dumb cat!”
    kelly K.

  39. Q: What do u call a fish with no eyes?
    A: Fssshhhh
    Debbie D.

  40. A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
    “What do they say?” the priest inquired.
    “They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”
    “That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots. I have taught them to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will also learn to praise and worship.”
    “Thank you!” the woman responded.
    The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”
    One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away, Jack. Our prayers have been answered!”
    Pamela R.

  41. So, a family member is dying. The doctor comes in and says that the only way to save your relative is by doing a brain transplant. The government will pay for the surgery but you have to purchase the brain. He then tells you a man’s brain will cost $5000 whereas a woman’s is only $200. After a few minutes you ask why the big price difference. The doctor replies the women brains are so much cheaper because they have been used.
    Amanda F.

  42. Q: Why did the snail paint an “S” on his car?
    A: So people would say, “Look at the ‘scargo’!”
    Jade J.

  43. An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
    The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
    The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
    The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

  44. Knock Knock
    Who’s there?
    Dwayne who?
    Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning!

  45. Two men are sitting at a restaurant counter eating sandwiches. A seven year old boy walks in and the first man says to the second,
    —That is the stupidest kid I have ever seen. Watch this. —
    He goes up to the kid and holds up a quarter in one hand and a dollar in the other.
    He says to the boy —- You can have one of these, which one do you want?
    The boy takes the quarter, says thank you and walks out.
    The second man cannot believe this, so he runs after the boy and stops him.
    He says —- Son, a dollar is four times as much as a quarter.
    The boy looks at him and says —- I know that, but the day I take the dollar that MORON will stop playing the game with me and we have been playing for years.

  46. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Amal”. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan”. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his biological mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, “But they’re twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”

  47. Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked.
    Jenifer D.

  48. Q: What’s the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
    A: Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!
    Hayley O.

  49. Students in a University class were asked to write a short story with as few words as possible incorporating the following elements: Religion, mystery, and sex. Here is the winner’s story:
    “Oh my God! I’m pregnant! I wonder who the father is?”
    Dani T.

  50. Q: What did the zero say to the 8?
    A: “Hey, nice belt!”